


Face of the Devil

by bakers_impala221



Series: Codas [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Conversation, Gen, Headcanon, Rowena is suffering, Sam understands, canon-divergent, s13e12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25364101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakers_impala221/pseuds/bakers_impala221
Summary: Sam nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Yeah, I’ve seen it, too.’Rowena stayed silent, nodding slightly, so minutely Sam could barely tell. But there was something hanging in the air, something which had shifted between them. Something like understanding. Like two soldiers who’d just discovered they weren’t fighting the war alone.Coda/headcanon based on the conversation between Sam and Rowena (s13e12).
Relationships: Rowena MacLeod & Sam Winchester
Series: Codas [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756792
Kudos: 28





	Face of the Devil

Rowena huffed from the back seat, spun her glasses by the temple tip impatiently. ‘Well, this is boring,’ she remarked. ‘Is there… I don’t know. Music?’

‘Yeah-’ Sam started. ‘Yeah. You know, Dean has a tape of Led Zeppelin’s _Moby Dick_ with an eight-minute drum solo,’ Sam rummaged melodramatically through the glove compartment. ‘Let’s see, it’s around here somewhere.’ He looked back at her sarcastically as he shut it. The door closed with a pointed click.

‘Are you very sure I can’t just enslave some townsfolk and make them take us to the girls?’ she asked, exasperated.

‘I’m very sure you _can_ ,’ Sam said. ‘But I’m also very sure you _shouldn’t_.’

‘Bless your precious heart,’ Rowena smiled. ‘You just described my entire life.’

Sam gave her a sarcastic nod.

He sniffed, thinking.

‘Rowena,’ he shifted up on the seat, moving so he could better see her. ‘Even if you pull off… whatever plan you’re trying to pull off. And even if you manage to get the book back-’

‘I’ve been on my best behaviour!’ she protested, blinking as though innocently puzzled.

‘Okay, sure,’ Sam half-smiled. ‘Let’s say you get the book,’ he indulged, waving his arm forward to gesticulate. ‘It’s not gonna change anything.’

The air around them changed; went still, static. Rowena frowned, watching him.

‘You’re still gonna…’ Sam went on, ‘ _feel_ …

 _‘Helpless_.’

Her frown deepened, true confusion etched into her face.

‘What Lucifer did to you-’

‘I told you, I _don’t_ -’ she interrupted. Her eyes trained on the floor of the car, heart attempting to beat its way out of her chest. Sam watched her struggle with herself. She looked back up, out the windscreen at the moving world. A few people walked by, birds chattered on a tree branch, life moved on, oblivious to the suffocating absence of air between them. She saw nothing.

‘Before he crushed my skull,’ she said slowly, each word forced. Painful. ‘Lucifer… he made me-’ her words choked off. She swallowed, forcing down the bile rising in her oesophagus, forcing herself to speak around the lump growing cancerous in her throat.

‘He… he showed me his true face.’

She looked back down. Sniffed. Forehead creased as she fought tears threatening to take over.

‘I’m scared, Sam,’ she whispered, her voice trembled, deep with trauma. She looked at him, eyes terrified. ‘ _All the time_.’

Sam took a sharp breath.

‘I know how you feel,’ he said, voice quiet. ‘What he…’ he struggled on words. ‘What he did…’ the arm resting on the bench seat tensed, fist clenching and unclenching unconsciously. He swallowed thickly, drew deep breaths to fill his tightening lungs. ‘Yeah, it still keeps me up at night,’ his voice nearly a whisper.

‘How…’ Rowena asked slowly, ‘do you deal with it?’ She looked up at him.

Sam shook his head, eyes lost.

‘I guess I don’t.’ His eyes scrunched up, unseeing, words quick. ‘-deal with it. Not really. I mean. I’ve pushed it down, and uhm—the world kept almost ending, so I-I keep pushing it down, and…’ he resisted closing his eyes to resurfacing memories, flashbulb and relentless. ‘I don’t really talk about it—not even with Dean. I mean I-I could. He’d listen, but. That’s not really something I… know how to share.’

‘It’s torture,’ she whispered, voice shaking.

Sam nodded, wordless. He searched his mind for something to say. He came up blank.

Rowena shuddered. Her eyes were glued to Baby’s carpet like it was a lifeline, like it knew all the answers neither of them did; that neither of them could offer to the other, or themselves.

It was a secret burden—the sort that couldn’t be felt or understood by other people. They could listen—Dean could listen. But there was nothing…

There were no answers.

‘He wasn’t even humanoid anymore, Sam.’

Sam’s eyes snapped up, momentarily surprised.

‘He trapped me in that room. Locked the door—magic locks, too, of course. No escape…

He showed me his face, too,’ she said. ‘The one behind the vessel.’

Sam nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Yeah, I’ve seen it, too.’

Rowena stayed silent, nodding slightly, so minutely Sam could barely tell. But there was something hanging in the air, something which had shifted between them. Something like understanding. Like two soldiers who’d just discovered they weren’t fighting the war alone.

Then Sam looked away.

‘Even if you do get the book,’ he said. ‘And even if you do get your power back… it won’t matter. You won’t ever be able to change what happened. You won’t be able to change how helpless you’ve felt… Or how helpless you feel.’

Rowena looked away, tongue playing with her cheek, the skin of her jaw, fighting off anger. Helpless anger.

‘And that feeling…’ Sam turned his head towards the front of the car. ‘That feeling never goes away.’

The car fell silent again, the air building tension, zapping at his skin.

‘ _Never?’_

Sam shook his head slowly. ‘Never.’

He heard a soft, shaky breath, then turned suddenly when the back door opened behind him. The car tipped as Rowena stepped out into the parking lot.

He followed her outside, standing a good distance away, watching her shoulders move as she breathed.

Dean stepped up beside him.

‘Hey,’ he greeted. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Sh-she just needs a minute,’ Sam swallowed, watching her back.

‘She’s alright.’

‘Hey, you know that Rowena’s not our friend, right?’ Dean set the beer on the kitchen table. It clinked softly against the wood.

‘Yeah,’ Sam frowned. ‘I know that.’

‘Hm.’ Dean swiped the bottle aside, scraping it against the table. He flipped open the book, pointed at the page torn from the middle.

‘Then what’s that?’

Sam looked away.

‘You gave her the page,’ Dean said.

Sam didn’t speak.

‘She got in your head, man.’

‘-She didn’t get in my head,’ Sam said softly.

‘Look, what happened to Rowena was messed up, okay?’ Sam’s eyes snapped up at that. ‘But you just let the deadliest witch in the world walk away with a page from this book!’

‘Yeah,’ Sam slid until his feet hit the floor. He leaned back against the island table. ‘And if Rowena breaks bad, I will hunt her down myself, and put a bullet in her.’

Dean looked incredulous.

‘I will, Dean.’

‘But if she’s right, and she does see Lucifer again…’ Sam closed his eyes for barely a second. ‘Then I hope she makes him suffer.’

The depth of hate that ran through him shocked him for a moment. He looked down, away from probing eyes.

‘You’ve gotta get out of this dark place, man. You know, whatever’s going on in your head…’

_What?_

‘Dean-’

‘What? _’_ he said.

Sam took a deep breath. Frowned.

‘You know what? Honestly?’ Sam tried.

‘Yeah, how ‘bout honestly?’

Sam ignored the slight. Nodded slightly to himself. ‘I know what Rowena is dealing with.’ He looked up to his brother, then away again. ‘She’s not the only one who….’ He inhaled sharply. ‘Feels… _helpless_.’ He shook his head, eyes flickering, mind eye seeing; pictures vivid against the blacked-out world.

Dean breathed, demeanour softening. ‘What d’you mean?’ he asked, voice quiet.

Sam took a small, shaky breath. His heart seizing in his chest. He clenched his fist.

He opened his mouth to speak.

‘It means…’

He swallowed.

_I was raped._

‘-I had a plan, you know. I, uh…’ he said, mind racing. ‘Help Jack. Um, bring Mom back. It wasn’t much, but it was _something._ ’ He looked back to his brother. Dean was frowning, eyes downcast. ‘It- it kept me from spinning off the rails. A-and now…’ Dean looked up at him. ‘Jack is gone, Mom is still in Hell, basically, a-and I-I-I just…’ Sam looked away, lost for words.

‘We’ll figure it out.’

Dean looked at him, eyes crinkled, reassuring.

Sam felt anger boil up inside him.

‘Dean, we don’t know what to do. So- so… _how?’_

Dean blinked. ‘I don’t know.’ Calm.

Sam looked up, exasperated, the anger in him burning away until there was… nothing. The air tugged at him again, pulling him back under.

‘But we will,’ Dean continued, voice strong. Resolute. ‘You and me.’ He took a swig.

Sam kept his head turned, eyes blurring. He nodded. Hopeless.

‘Yeah,’ he pulled away from the bench, overcome by the sudden need to be alone.

‘Night,’ he said absently. And he walked out.


End file.
